Being Alone Versus Being Lonely

I like to be alone at times.  I find that concentration on just being in the present is easier when on my own.  Listening to the sounds around me, enjoying a special memory or concentrating on a project all lend to the importance of being alone.

Lonely, on the other hand, is more of a feeling.  The feeling of being lonely does not just happen when I am alone. I can be in a crowd and be lonely, I can be in my favorite place and be lonely.  To describe this to anyone is difficult because they might assume that if you are with others it is impossible to be anything but happy.

I learned to be alone and not to be lonely after my husband died. I filled my time with interesting things and tried to reach out to friends and family. My computer opened a great way to communicate and also launched me into my writing career. My dogs always provided company for me and they also introduced me to many other dog people!  Except for a very few, dog people by nature are very friendly!

I believe that if you suffer the loss of your spouse that time teaches you to know the difference between being alone and being lonely. I think loneliness is common after this change in your life but as time passes it can slowly be replaced with knowing new things about yourself.  You can be a friend to yourself and also to others.

The most important thing is to be true to yourself.  Accept the need to be alone at times and also accept that certain times and things will provoke loneliness.  Learning to identify the difference will be helpful.  If there are places you shared as a couple, expect sadness to enter into your soul.  Avoid things that you and your spouse did together until you are stronger. Allow yourself to feel lonely and expect that this is normal. I promise you that certain things will always be hard but again with time, at least manageable.

The journey of grief is filled with being alone and being lonely.  In all of history, the widow has felt displaced in most societies. Some cultures actually rejected the widow almost blaming her for the loss of her husband. As cruel as this sounds, and it was, perhaps the widow was looked at as a burden because she could not provide like her spouse did in the society.

Now, most cultures accept widows finding a place for them. Though it may be a struggle, most civilized people adapt to the new relationship they have with the remaining spouse. Of course, people will be people, and as I tell my grief groups, stay with the ones who make you feel good and stay away from those who make you feel sad.

The journey of grief, as multifaceted as it is, is a great teacher. I believe the greatest lesson it taught me was to truly know myself.  I also learned to accept my time alone, define my lonely times with a good cry and relish in the many, many memories I had.  After all that is what the nursing home porches are full of — memories!

LESSON: The art of being alone without being lonely is an accomplishment and one I believe needs to be mastered before entering into another relationship.  And even if you choose to continue on your own, it should be just that without the longing that comes after loss.  Your self becomes your new best friend and you will learn to appreciate this new person you have become.